You've been gone 4 months and I still have a very hard time dealing with you being gone and me being alone. I sometimes go over in my mind our last week together. You didn't know it was your last few days on earth. You were so happy thinking you were getting better. It took all my strength to keep it together for you and to not let you know how serious your health was, and that I was getting ready to fulfill my promise to you not to allow you to live under the circumstances like you were. Doctors and procedures, surgery, poking, prodding, and none of it was going to save you, just take away from the time you had left.
So much has changed too since Good Friday when you took your last breath.
Many of the people we thought were our friends have turned out not to be. The women who gave Pongo a home no longer are friends of mine. I don't really know why. They quit having any contact with me. I sent them a certificate to get his nails done there in Lake Havasu and never heard from them on whether they got my mail, so I went to Facebook and found out they have both unfriended me and when I contact them, no answer. I just don't get it, or why people act the way they do. It was hurtful, but I am trying to be forgiving and not let it effect me as I didn't do anything wrong. I have tried to figure out what I could have done to them for them to want to keep me away from a dog I love so dearly. My last connection to you. I know you loved Pongo so much as did I. Wish I could have kept him. It really broke my heart to give him up, but I couldn't keep him, after all I didn't even know where I was going to live let alone have a dog too.I do know they will take good care of him, so that is helpful. Still the hurt remains. I don't know what would make people act that way without a word.
I had to put Pickles to sleep too. Pickles was with me from her first breath to the last I had her Mother 9 years before her. I never thought I'd be without an animal, but have decided not to get another dog or animal for awhile and just be able to travel and go places without having to worry with another. Plus, it' expensive, and I'm trying to save my money. You and Pickles were my heart. I wish I could hug you both again just one more time. So many things I'd love to say to you again. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done besides putting you in Hospice. The two who had my heart on this earth I lost within' 4 months of each other. This has really tried my faith in the world.
Although many people were kind during all this, I have learned not to depend on anyone, but be as self sufficient as possible.I know you wanted me to reach out more to others, but I now find myself even less trusting than ever before.
I have been staying home more than being with others. I prefer animals to humans. You were one of the only people that saw my special connection with nature and animals. I was so thrilled to share that part of my life with you and you only. So many things I miss sharing with you as we once did. I never trusted anyone like I did you and perhaps will never again, I don't know. But I know you helped me bring out the gifts given me. You taught me to share my gifts. For this I thank you Laurie.
I wish I could ask you so many things You were so humble and I was so full of shit. I have since been humbled and am grateful for that. How lucky as I to have had someone like you love me so much. I hope everyone has this at least once in their life. I loved my children like that. I loved my son and daughter But when my daughter committed elder abuse, and showed she didn't care for me, I knew my love and devotion was wasted on her. I was saddened as well you know. I hope she has found the kind of love she was looking for and hope her Karma of this situation doesn't make her suffer too much. But I know different. Her Karma is rough as I only know a fraction of her life and wish she'd turn her life around..I hate to see her or hear of her suffering, but you can only teach and people have to choose their path. Cory and Heidi suffered much due to their decisions in life.
Laurie if you only knew how sweet so many of your friends and family were after your death. I have never felt so loved. Your Buddhist group was so sweet, and they put together a book I read over and over again then sent to your family to enjoy. I may go to the meetings here locally, not sure. As I said, I've been staying close to home. I feel like becoming a hermit.
I am hoping to safe up some money and buy a van and customize it for myself. Then I can stay out in the desert and be in silence. Everywhere you go here there is someone, and there is noise at every turn. It seems you can't get away from people. Talking crap, running here and there. I used to long to be with others, now I look for ways to get away from them.
I know you said you saw me with someone after your death, but I can't even begin to think of myself with someone. I can say that if it were so, I wish it would happen quickly and I want to revert back to being just a little family of two. I know now why so many Lesbians find their mate and go back into being alone together. I want that again. I just want to be alone with my live, perhaps a dog and just life a quiet life.
But being alone is good. If I get a van I will probably get a dog not sure. I know I don't have that much time and have so much I want to do. Hope we do have many lifetimes so I can get it all done.
Oh Laurie, I know you are off on your great adventure, but I do hope you will walk with me a bit, as I am very lonely without you. I am not lonely for others, just you. I have no desire to be with others as I find them to be disingenuous.
I am studying the books you used to read as well as the ones I know have helped me. So I have embarked on a life of learning and truth, and find it very exciting, and rewarding. I don't feel the need to be out and doing something all the time. I have you to thank for so much my sweet girl. You were the jewel in the crown of friends, my soulmate, my love, and my teacher.
Thank you so much Laurie, for all you do for me daily. You were an example to me and others in your short lifetime. I will honor you daily. .
